On Tuesday 3rd October, parents from Dukes schools across London came together at Eaton Square Senior School on Piccadilly for the first Dukes Club fireside chat with clinical psychologist Dr Tara Porter and Head of Eaton Square Senior, Dr Adrian Rainbow. The pair discussed how parents can support children with their mental health amidst the many pressures facing families and young people in today’s world.
Stating how traditionally mental health issues in young people have been largely associated with deprivation and its accompanying factors, Dr Porter highlighted an emerging cause which is associated with high performing schools and the pressures children are under to achieve.
All parents naturally want the best for our children –to give them opportunities that we perhaps never had. But, Dr Porter warns that we are reaching a tipping point where opportunities are becoming expectations. On top of the pressures in school such as 11+ exams, mounting GCSE requirements and more, much of what children do outside of school is now managed by parents too and the pressure to succeed is taking the enjoyment out of activities that should be fun or enriching.
Perhaps a child loves gymnastics, but the pressure to earn first place certificates is taking away their joy. We appreciate the benefits of learning a musical instrument but the pressure we are putting a child under to take their piano exams is too much for them.
Tara urged parents to think about how we can offer children opportunities without them becoming expectations. "Self-esteem isn’t contingent,” she says. “It doesn’t come from medals. Real self-esteem comes from connection, and competition takes away from this.”
It is this theme of connection which became the centre point of the evening. Dr Rainbow questioned how to maintain this connection as children move into their teenage years when the chief developmental task of children is to break away and develop their independence. This is a time when parents fade into the background, often feel their children no long talk to them and worry for their safety. But how do children retain their trust in their parents to ensure they confide in them when needed?
Along this theme Dr Porter pointed to the statistic that 90% of young people lie to their parents. When this is the case, the requirement to have a safe and trusting connection with children becomes the only route to difficult discussions. In light of this, their is important to maintain that connection versus arguing over a messy bedroom.
Dr Porter encouraged parents to make time to speak to their children but to stop giving advice! She advised trying instead to see things from their child’s perspective. “Nobody wants advice from their mum,” she says. “Show empathy and give them independence but be available. Talk to them, find out how they are feeling by asking questions before offering advice.”
Delving into the risks of screen time, social media and the very real harm that pornography is having on young people’s sexuality, Dr Porter urged parents to be open and unshockable – as difficult as this may be.
In conclusion she encouraged parents to “not sweat the small stuff, to not be afraid of imposing boundaries but to always remember to keep the connection.”